2 weeks from departure, all systems check a.o.k.
Assault team report:
I am suspicious of Captain Watson's arms. They appear to be very nearly hairless. This could be due to the application, and speedy removal, of hot wax. Obvious body image problems there as evidenced by long hours spent in gym training.
Lieutenant Tinkler has recently made claims about his ability to propel himself - through sheer physical effort, mind you - at very high speeds. Testing has shown that these claims are bold and not entirely supported by evidence.
Corporal Maxwell's gluttony continues unabated.
Cadet Taylor still repulsively hirsuite, but he understands the need for discipline and has said he will be barbered prior to launch. I can only hope he understands that launch date is calculated, by mission control, to be April 15th, not April 25.